Taooftash - Some tips on dealing with a cancer diagnosis.

blank

Go home, sit down and have a cup of tea.

Do not click on that search engine result that says "secondary breast cancer survival rates", or in fact any link that wants to tell you about "cancer survival rates", you will never be able to remove that stone from the pit of your stomach.

.....or phone them the minute you get out and download.

You and your partner can focus on each other and the friend takes the notes that you refer back to later.

You shake the Oncologist's hand, thank them for there time and walk out the door. You break the silence as you both stand waiting for the lift with "we're fucked, we're really fucked, but are you going to be more fucked on the chemotherapy or fucked on the steroids that they are going to give you before this, fuck!" - the reaction to this sort of question from your partner, can in my experience, be very definitely filled in the cabinet labelled "things I wish that I hadn't said".

Clearly taken notes will give you something to focus on immediately and refer back to later on.

My effort is entirely focused on my wife and I expect everyone else to support us (downwards in a kind of reverse pyramid selling way), however and maybe this is the reason why you are reading this, Cancer in most peoples minds equals an immediate death and this for your own sanity needs to be dealt with very quickly - I have a lot of trouble one of my closest friends for instance, the phrase "she is going to die" is virtually written across his forehead every time I see him and I find that I have no extra strength to deal with this buffoonery.

As way of a more positive example; When we found out that Tash was to have the 8 cycles of Taxol chemotherapy, I took some of my more trusted work colleagues out to the pub because I knew I was going to need their support. They were told what was going to happen and that they could help me by not flinching or looking visibly shocked (the "stunned mullet" as Tash paraphrases) when I discussed it with them.

Maintaining a sense of normality has been very important in helping us to deal with our situation and to their credit, they talked about our chemotherapy experiences as you would football. Though one colleague did have the misfortune to enquire about my weekend and received the reply "shaved my wife's head".

This is a tough thing to broach, but you need to remember that there is always a person out there who is worse off than you, always! - When you are in the waiting room look around, there will be someone, you'll feel better and remember to think, well if they can manage a smile so can I, if they are not smiling, then be thank full that you are not them - harsh, but some aspects of this are going to be.

Also in a much more sombre note, consider that many people will leave the house this morning and not make it home in the evening, they do not get to say good bye, you or your partner have that chance, as difficult as it may be, it is an enormously important consideration.

Had it not been for the Secondary breast cancer diagnosis, we probably would never have bothered to get married, I would normally add that this is the best decision I ever made, but she snored all night, so I am currently wondering if this is really the case. One of the up sides of a cancer diagnosis is that it does make you focus on the things that are important to you, in my wife's case, shopping.

Early on in our experience we came up with a set of rules to help us through;

1. Go on holiday 2. Buy some shoes 3. Have a party

As flippant as it may seem, it works and allows us to remember that we are first and foremost people, then a couple; cancer as large as it looms in our life, is only the third wheel in our relationship, not the first.

There are ups and there are downs, but in the end it is only cancer, it is not the end of the world and though you do not always feel that you have control of the disease, you do still have control of your life.

If we can get on with our lives, then so can you.

blank