My Dearest Twinky,

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about our life together in the last six months. I simply had not realised until long after you had gone just how stressful and pressurised our existence was and though I could see bits of our relationship drop by the wayside en route, it took some time to see just how much effort we ended up placing on the pursuit of your seminal requirement, having a normal life. I would not however, change anything my dear, I choose to believe now that you were my raison d'etre, my reason for existence. From the feeling of completeness that you gave me when we first met (though to be fair, I was a tad perturbed that you ignored me at first and that whole tough love thing that you practised throughout our relationship was really not that great to be honest) to watching your last breath, my role in life was to stand by you in what ever came along, to give you strength, to help protect you and to provide the tools and opportunities needed to define your unique path in life. Even with the grief I now carry it was all worth it to have shared this journey and I would happily do it all again for you my love, every time.

When we started writing the Tao' I had not considered how this would end, there was always a story to tell, a quip to included and some treatment information to slide into the revelry of our life, It doesn't really feel this way as I now write to you, perhaps because we had never had to communicate so indirectly before, though more likely because there is now no more story to tell.

So this then is our final Tao of Tash post.

I have cried over you and about you, in the arms of our friends and alone, I have also carried an immense sense of pride that though we could not change what would eventually be, we approached it together and made something wonderful in the face of it. I don't know if I am ever going to be able to find the words to describe to anyone the sort of partnership that we had, but you should know that I approached your passing in the same way that I supported your life. I made decisions in your name during your stay in hospital that will remain with me for the rest of my life, I did not make them lightly, but I made them for you and we did not say goodbye because of it. I know that you were not ready to accept what happened, our conversations in Iceland were enough to know that, but in the months since I have come to see what our future would have been and I would not want to have seen you lose any more of your dignity and your joie de vivre. I feel that at every turn in the last four years fate has given us the most positive option, considering what might have been, we skated around all the cracks and fissures of your condition and were allowed to keep dancing across the ice, in your early passing, you were spared an undignified end.

Not that you ever contemplated such things, but you should know that when I have sat down with our friends your life is celebrated with happiness and joy, we are all sad and there will always be tears, but something about you, some little anecdote that makes us laugh is never far away. It is a testament to the feelings that people have about you that I have always been welcomed by them, we are all keen to make sure that your passing is not a total loss. I have been to Verona too, though that took some time. We all sat down to lunch, in that way that had always terrified me and I talked of you, I told them of your passing and of the decisions that were made in your name, the family listened and we shared our thoughts together. In the evening when Francesca, Laura, Pier, Ali and I toasted you it felt like the most natural thing in the world, a simple "Salute Tash" is all that seems to be needed to bring you back into the room. I am sure you will get a laugh out of this, I know I will be going back at some point.

My decision to live in Australia was as easy as the one to take you home, though it now will be a bitter sweet pleasure without you and at the moment I am not sure where my path will lead me. You still seem to have a most prominent presence when I am in London and am hoping that you may be able to find me out there, though giving directions when I don't know where I am myself will be interesting, perhaps you can find a new way to let me know when you are around, one that is nice though, rather than mechanical failure, dysentery or migraines, I know what you are capable of, that just wouldn't be funny.

The difficulty in being without you is in finding a way forward, I do not rage at your loss, I feel no guilt at surviving and when I cry I am happy to accept it, but these I realise are opposite to expectations and expectations were not something we adhered to anyway, you were never one to elicit sympathy for your illness, except perhaps the numerous occasions that you successfully avoided paying for the car insurance, holiday bills, TV license etc.. first citing cancer as an excuse (what could I do but laugh) and then simply just not paying, but that excepted, you only let me see your moments of weakness and apart from Donna's visit to you in hospital and the Italian incident you always faultlessly maintained your composure despite what was happening inside of you, but as we have discussed compassion was an emotion that you rarely wanted or needed, more often than not it was the details of the next party.

In recent weeks I have started to miss you terribly. I am told that I seem more relaxed and comfortable with myself now, but that is at the cost of a large part of me missing the good things I remember about you; Having the light turned on as you elephantined around the bedroom on earlies because you had decided to change your outfit, your inexplicable requirement to channel all your frustrations directly onto me, your refusal to watch any film that wasn't a rom com, your dislike of all my music, your incredible selfishness, never being able to talk about your emotions, never paying any attention to your emotions and making me the bloody woman in the relationship... hold on this is not right I am ranting, let me try again....

My mornings are always started with the question "What shall we do today my dear?". When I am cold it is your green blanket that I cover myself with, it's corners reaching around me like your arms. When it is hot, it was only your hat I will wear, even though I look silly. I have the note from my bedside table that simply says "good night chunky, sleep tight" and I still do. When I cook, it is the food that you showed me that I serve, when I prepare it, it is with the love that we shared. When I speak, I speak of you and when I think of you, I think of these things and I dearly miss your presence in my life. I am now and will be forever honoured to be know as Natasha's husband.

On Wednesday, the day after tomorrow, I am going to let the 4th of each month slip off into obscurity, there is no need to remind myself of how you looked in that bed, whilst there is every reason still to remember how you lived.

Good bye my love, I had the most exquisite time in your company and though it was not always the most happiest, it was the greatest journey and one I would happily repeat with you over and over again.

All my love

Chunk

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